She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
