Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
