We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
