What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
how does that bad decision feel?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
