Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
When are your genitals available?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
