Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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