i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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