good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Couch. On fire.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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