The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
