My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
