just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
ok first of all what the fuck
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
