One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently you make a good broom.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
