she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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