I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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