I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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