So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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