I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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