i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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