I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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