You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
