As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Randomize
