So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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