Pants 0. Shit 1.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
