Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
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