My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
