I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
