Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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