i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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