My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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