4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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