i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
