Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
