My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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