he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
