That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
