i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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