The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
