Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
