dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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