did you get engaged???
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
