someone threw a dead crab at me
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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