So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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