Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
