separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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