after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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