Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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