He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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