Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My hand turned me down
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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