you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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