my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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