wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
