The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
