I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
