I feel like abortions should bother me more
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
