I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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